23 March 2010
I know you are busy, but I hope you get a chance to read this note.
As I’m sure you know, these have not been the best of times for me.
I’m sure you have a plan, but at the moment, I don’t see it.
To be quite honest, right now I feel like everything is against me.
I’ve searched high and low for that ray of sunlight, but all I can see is clouds.
Big black clouds.
I really need something positive to happen.
The situation with my mom is as bad as ever.
The good news is I was absolutely correct when I thought we were on the verge of another bipolar episode.
The bad news is it is here.
She’s not sleeping, probably not eating. She is back to believing that the world is against her.
Wait, I believe that last part. But I am sleeping fine.
I went to lunch with her last Tuesday and I barely got a word in.
She was changing topics faster than a game show.
She used all the cliches that she always does when her chemicals are imbalanced.
She repeated all the 40-year old stories, like they happened this morning.
And she denied it all when I told her the truth.
The bad news is that she is suffering through another manic moment, but the REAL bad news is that I don’t have the strength to help her.
I am dealing with my own problems.
I don’t know if I have hit rock bottom, yet, but I hope I’m getting close.
Remember that interview that had me so excited.
Well, that was three weeks ago and I have not heard a word.
Not one word.
Not thank you.
Not screw you.
The same exact reaction or lack of reaction I got from the company I interviewed here with two months ago.
No reply at all.
I’m starting to think Phil Collins wrote that song about me.
Recently I stopped by my Facebook account to see what people were having for dinner.
While I was there, a former supervisor of mine opened a chat line.
He asked what I was doing, so I told him about the blog.
He told me that he was working on a show that I’d be perfect for, gave me his cell phone number and asked me to give him a call.
He asked ME to give HIM a call.
So I did. The next day.
I didn’t want to seem desperate. You saw the movie Swingers, right?
When I called, he said he was on a plane and would call me back.
That was two weeks ago!
I gotta be honest. I don’t get it. What did I do to deserve this?
I really don’t know how much more I can take.
If you are trying to beat me down, you win.
Uncle. I surrender. I give up.
Whatever catch phrase you want.
I need something good to happen and I need it to happen soon.
By far, the best thing to happen to me in the last few months has been this blog.
I love writing it. I love reading it. And I have really loved the response from it.
In many ways, it has been the only thing to keep my head above the water.
It’s given me a support system like the one Russell Crowe’s character had in A Beautiful Mind.
Except, my followers are real, right?
The first thing I do every morning is check my email.
It used to be to see if any possible employers had replied to me.
Now I am looking to see if anybody commented on my most recent blog.
How pathetic is that?
Pathetic, but honest.
Today I got an email from Marta who told, me, “your objective now is to keep up your spirit (which is like standing in a septic tank, poop up to your chin and trying to play flute, I know).”
I laughed. It felt good to laugh.
Marta is a real person, right?
I am now counting on people that I don’t know to keep me going.
Maybe I can star in A Beautiful Mind II, the Golden Years.
Even with my life falling apart, what is left of it, you still find a way to remind me that things could be worse.
Like last night when my daughter watched a movie at a friend’s house.
About a year ago, the father of her friend was happily married with three kids.
Happily married until his step-son was killed, his wife became an alcoholic, he lost his job and then his wife left him.
Today my son is playing with one of his best buddies who is back in town for spring break.
About a year ago, the father of his friend was happily married with his three sons.
Happily married until his wife decided to have an affair with an old high school flame, then she filed for divorce and moved the boys to another state so that she could live with her new, or old love.
Yes, things could be A LOT worse.
My mom is a mess right now, but thankfully she doesn’t have the same spot on her pancreas that doctors just found on my friend's dad.
Yes, I know, things could be A LOT worse.
But even with all the hardship and pain that those around me are dealing with, I don’t know how much more I can take.
I’ve tried everything to find that ray of light, but the sun is setting and it’s setting quickly.
I need something and I need it soon.
P.S. Say hi to my dad for me and tell him I miss him.