First to Worst

For my big trip to the Big Apple, I was treated like royalty.

On this voyage, I was taken care of from (corn chowder) Soup to (warm mixed) Nuts.

My future company (fingers crossed) treated me first class, flying me east, putting me in a great hotel for two nights and they had a car take from the airport and back.

One could get used to this.

When I got the itinerary for the trip I immediately called the airline to see if I would be able to cash in some frequent flyer miles for an upgrade.

Considering that EVERY flight I have taken in the last five years has been more packed than a can of ... Green Giant vacuum sealed corn niblets (and you thought I was going to say sardines), I figured my chances of an upgrade were slim and none and slim left on an earlier flight.

Well not this time.

A mere moments after making the request, I received an upgrade to first class for my outbound trip, at a cost of 15,000 miles.

Sold!

For my return trip, I was put on the waiting list for the upgrade.

But that was later.

For now, let's live in the world of champagne and caviar.

The first class trip began with a warm towlette. In coach, you are lucky to get an unused tissue.

That was followed by the choice of Orange Juice or Ice Water -- and we hadn't even left the gate yet.

Once in the air, we were delivered warm mixed nuts, not mixed nuts, but WARM mixed nuts, PLUS the alcoholic beverage of my choice, at no charge.

This cost how many miles?

The next course was lunch.

Of course it was.

I picked the roasted chicken salad with corn chowder soup over the sliced roast beef sandwich with melted cheese on a "delicious warm roll".

Wow, these fancy people love warm food.

I think it's time for a cold Kahlua and milk.

Oh wait, here comes the fresh baked chocolate chip cookies.

Are you kidding me?

So let me get this straight, the employed guy sitting five rows behind me is pulling out a credit card, in the cashless coach cabin, to buy $1 worth of trail mix for $4 while this unemployed guy with some extra frequent flyer miles is dipping his carrots in hummus.

The gentleman sitting next to me didn't bother using miles to secure his extra-wide seat.... at least that's my guess, considering he was traveling from his "second home" to his east coast office, for the law firm he has owned for 30 years.

He told me that his company specializes in companies going bankrupt. So he makes his money by other people losing theirs?

Excuse me stewardess, could you please cue up "Ironic" by Alanis Morissette.

After spending nearly four hours in airline heaven I couldn't wait for upgrade going home.

Well, I'm still waiting.

Even though I tried every way possible, I ended up in 17E, a middle seat in coach.

Welcome back to reality.

Of course, every seat was as loaded as the double-stuffed baked potato they were probably serving in first class.

Meanwhile, I had a grown man immediately to my right and a very grown man immediately to my left.

Somebody cue the crying baby.

Even with all that, I was in a perfect position to watch the free movie --- Up in the Air.

As in Up in the Air, the Oscar-nominated, one-hour and 49 minute, critically acclaimed movie about --- PEOPLE GETTING FIRED.

Now that's as ironic as rain on your wedding day.