And it breaks my heart.
16 March 2010
You may want to sit down for this one, because this one could get a little heavy.
From the moment I started writing a blog on my journey through unemployment, I’ve tried to be as honest as humanly possible.
(Of course, the blog is anonymous, so I guess I’ve managed to leave out one little detail.)
I’ve always tried to express exactly how I’m feeling through this miserable roller coaster ride, whether its a good day or a bad minute.
Well, this morning I am throwing a pity party and you are invited.
Let me cut to the chase.
I’m really starting to believe that I will never get a job again.
At least not a job in the industry that I called home for 25 years.
I’ve never asked for sympathy and I’m not about to start now, but I’m just expressing the sinking feeling that is on my mind this morning.
Whatever took place two weeks ago might as well be two years ago at this point.
Yes, that phone could ring at any moment, but I’m pretty worn out from the shoulda, coulda, woulda.
I feel like I’ve over-exhausted every contact I have ever made and over-used every resource that’s out there.
I've called. I've re-called.
I've emailed, I've re-emailed.
I even tried the "I think my internet was down, so I'm not sure if you got my last email."
This is getting old and I'm getting tired.
In a new HBO Documentary, Magic Johnson scored the greatest point of his career when he said he found out who his real friends were when became HIV positive.
He literally cried the entire time he was saying it.
The tears coming out of his eyes matched the ones coming out of mine.
I can't relate to his exact situation, but I can definitely relate to his point.
I have an incredible support system and a growing group of friends who have provided the real love that John & Paul used to write about.
I don’t think I’m special and I certainly don’t think that I am owed anything, but I know that I am really good at what I do.
Or actually, what I used to do.
I just can’t understand what happened.
Honestly, I don’t get it.
I wrote the first draft of this blog on a lined sheet of paper, standing in the dark in my kitchen, kinda like a suicide note.
WHICH IT IS NOT!
I still have plenty of lust for live, it’s just my career that is dead.
And it breaks my heart.
What did I do to deserve this?
What did any of my unemployed colleagues do to deserve this?
When I say that I am open to taking on a new job in a new field, I am being totally sincere.
I don’t need the glamour that TV provided.
I certainly don’t need the stress either, but I do miss being creative.
I love grocery shopping, I really do, but there’s not a lot of room for being creative there.
I don’t mind doing the dishes either, but I think I’ve mastered how to get the most items in one load.
The bottom line is, I want to work.
I love being a stay-at-home dad and all of the amazing opportunities that have come with it, but with every day that I am staying at home, I feel like a big part of me is disappearing.
I don’t have any regrets, well perhaps, I don’t have many regrets, but what I’ve learned is that living in the past can destroy you.
In a hurry.