Turning The Page: A New Journey

I was dreamin' when I wrote this
Forgive me if it goes astray

  -- Prince, 1999

I’ve been writing A blog since the beginning of the year.

I’ve been waiting to write THIS blog for nearly 23 months.

I could wax poetic and build up the drama for the next 900 words, but instead let me cut to the chase:

MY JOURNEY THROUGH UNEMPLOYMENT IS OVER.

I have been offered a job and gladly accepted it.

I will begin working again on Monday.

And I can’t wait.

I’ve been waiting for something to happen

For a week or a month or a year

  -- Jackson Browne, Lives in the Balance

For nearly two years, I have been part of a growing group that is just looking for a chance.

A group of people who have been dealt a bad hand through no fault of their own.

A group of people who just want to start life all over again.

A group of people who have been kind enough to embrace me as they connect with my story.

Connect with my story from across my street and across the globe.

I am so excited and so humbled to be one of the lucky ones.

One of the lucky ones being given an opportunity to move on.

Moving on to rebuild something that was destroyed.

And I am going to make the most of it.

It takes a leap of faith to get things going

It takes a leap of faith you gotta show some guts

It takes a leap of faith to get things going

In your heart you must trust

  -- Bruce Springsteen, Leap of Faith

As part of this new job, I will be moving away from my family.

For now.

Several thousand miles away.

And that part of it hasn’t really hit me.

Yet.

But it will.

And when it does, that will be another chapter in my life’s journey.  

Who knows, maybe even another blog.

We broke the news to the kids last week.

My oldest daughter cried first, then my son.

Then my six-year old when she saw her two siblings cry.

But by the end of the conversation, and several since, they are now as excited as I am.

They are totally on board with where life is taking me.

Taking us.

In the last week, they have seen their father smile.  

A lot.

They have seen optimism replace pessimism.

They have seen hope replace fear.

Take care of all your memories

For you can not relive them

   -- Bob Dylan, Nothing Was Delivered

I will look back on this time I have spent at home as the greatest time of my life.

I love working and I will love returning to work.

But to be a stay-at-home dad for as long as I was, is the job that I will be most proud of.

Forever.

I don’t know if I was cut out to be a parent, but somehow I have figured out how to make it work.

From road trips to school functions to just watching my kids watch TV, there will never be a time where I will regret my time at home.

The times I shared with my family will forever be etched in my heart and in my head.

And in my blog.

This blog has given me the opportunity to relive the experiences and share them with you.

And with me.

The field trip to the zoo.

The little league baseball season.

The spelling bee.

My mother’s bipolar episode.

Good days.  Bad days.

Good moments.  Bad moments.

With every memory and every moment in time, I always had a place to be me.

I will cherish that forever. 

When the day is long and the night, 

the night is yours alone,

When you're sure you've had enough of this life, 

well hang on

  -- REM, Everybody Hurts

This blog has given me a way to connect with every possible emotion in the food chain.

Anger to depression.

Freedom to complete satisfaction.

I have spent countless hours sitting at the computer, late into the PM and many times early into the AM.

Sitting all alone in a dimly lit room, connecting with my emotions, while connecting with you.

No matter what I was feeling when I sat down in the chair, writing seemed to cure any aches and any pains.

Sadness is a waste of energy.

Bitterness is a waste of time.

But those are real feelings.

What happened to me didn’t need to happen.

What happened to me wasn’t fair.

What happened to me wasn’t right.

But what has happened to MILLIONS of people in this great country is far worse than anything I ever had to deal with.

I never lost sight of that.

And never will.

Since being told nearly two years ago that my “services were no longer needed”, I have seen sides of me that I didn’t know existed.

The side that learned how to love like I’ve never loved before.

The side that learned how to share like I’ve never shared before.

The side that learned how to hurt like I’ve never hurt before.

The side that used to trust, but couldn’t trust anymore.

The side that used to believe, but couldn’t believe anymore.

The side that accepted all of those sides and still found a way to get up in the morning.

And live that day.

And look forward to the next.

I found out who I am.

And I really like him.

Don't give up, 'cause you have friends

Don't give up, You're not the only one

Don't give up, No reason to be ashamed

Don't give up, You still have us

Don't give up now, We're proud of who you are

Don't give up, You know it's never been easy

Don't give up, 'cause I believe there's the a place

There's a place where we belong

   -- Peter Gabriel and Kate Bush, Don’t Give Up

Giving up has never been an option for me.

It has never been a consideration.

But it has been a reality.

I didn’t give up right away.  

And thankfully, I didn’t give up for very long.

We have always been told that hard work wins.

And I worked hard.

VERY hard.

For 25 years.

And all of a sudden because my company was sold and the new company wants to do less with less, I was being punished.

Math major, I am not, but that didn’t add up to me.

It also doesn’t make sense to the so many good, honest, hard-working people who are still being put through this miserable exercise.

The stories you have shared with me have broken my heart and rebuilt my faith at the same time.

So many of you have lost your job, lost your insurance, lost your family, lost your house.

Lost your life, as it was.

I wish I could say that keeping the faith will pay off.

And good things always happen to good people.

And any other cliche from page 94 of the cliche handbook.

But the bottom line is once you have given up, you have nothing.

You are allowed to give up.  

For a moment.  Even for a day.  Even for a week.

I’ve done it.

I just hope if you do give up, you can find something to get you going again.

A goal, a parent, a spouse, a child, a dog, a dream.

Something.

It doesn’t matter what keeps you going as long as you are going.

I want to thank you 

for giving me the best day of my life 

Oh just to be with you 

is having the best day of my life 

    -- Dido, Thank You

Thanks to this blog, I have connected with literally thousands of people from around the world.

People I have never met and never will.

But people who have pushed me everyday to tell my story.

Good people from Arkansas to Australia, California to China, Illinois to India, Jersey to Japan, Pittsburgh to Prague.

And of course, Quebec.

Merci Beaucoup.

In just the last week, I have seen new readers from Peru, Barbados, Portugal, Spain, Taiwan and New Zealand.

It is overwhelming and amazing and humbling and any other incredible word that ends in ing.

As Sinead O’Connor once said, Thank You For Healing Me.

Waking up each morning and reading that someone found some inspiration in my story was something I will never forget.

The truth is, you have inspired me.

You have inspired me to keep going.

You have inspired me to not give up.

You have inspired me to go on with each day.

However I’m feeling.

My computer is telling me that this is the 506th page of my blog.

And I have written more than 102,000 words.

Words that have changed my life forever.

I am planning on still writing this blog, a blog, some blog, for as long as I can.

I realize my journey is taking a turn, hopefully a turn for the better, but writing is now a part of who I am.

And who I will be.

But no matter where we go from here, I thank you for every day you have given me.

Who's to say where the wind will take you

Who's to say what it is will break you

I don't know where the wind will blow

Who's to know when the time has come around

I don't wanna see you cry

I know that this is not goodbye

   -- U2, Kite

Songs in the Key of Life

The movie High Anxiety was a Mel Brooks classic.

Not as classic as History of the World or Young Frankenstein or certainly not as epic as Blazing Saddles, but it was great.

The feeling of High Anxiety sucks.

It really sucks.

It’s that pit in your stomach caused by stress.

These days there are about a million legitimate reasons to be anxious.

But usually for me, its the small stuff, you know the stuff that Richard Carlson told me not to sweat.

Big life-changing events, piece of cake.

Small stuff, PANIC ATTACK.

The good news is once that small stuff moves from future tense to present tense, the pit somehow disappears.

Pretty much immediately.

Unfortunately I have gotten used to feeling that pit in my stomach, but I definitely sweat it.

The source of the current pit is the upcoming back-to-school picnic.

This is not just any back-to-school picnic.

This is the picnic at the school where my wife is a teacher and my three kids attend.

And the featured attraction of Monday’s picnic is...

...My mid-life crisis, better known as The Clearance Rack.

That’s our three-month old band made up of four 40-somethings looking to re-live their childhood.

So far we’ve played three different shows -- a block party and two high school graduation parties.

And each one has been better than the previous one.

Dare I say, we are not bad.   Even good at times.

But this upcoming gig is the real deal.

Probably close to 500 non-paying customers who are looking to get their money’s worth.

This will be in front of a bunch of parents and teachers who will be seeing my wife EVERY DAY for the next nine months.

What if we stink?

What if I stink?

Lets be honest, we are a band and all four of us need to do our part to sound good.

But as the lead singer, if I sound like Alfalfa, that is all people will remember.

Last week, we played one of the high school graduation parties in front of about 100 people.

It went so well, they asked for an encore.

Really.

Unfortunately we had played all nine songs we know by that point, so we had to play the first song all over again to satisfy the crowd.

I changed a couple of the words to give a different feel.

That’s what stars do.

This whole singing thing has been an eye-opener for me.

I definitely have a newfound respect for some of my heroes, like Bruce Springsteen and Paul Hewson.

Every time they hit the stage, they play for like three hours and they never choke.

Ok, they rarely choke.

True, last year Bruce accidentally said, “Hello Ohio”, while he was playing a show in... 

...Michigan.

He called it a “nightmare” and knowing how much Bruce cares about his fans, he probably played for six hours after he was told of the mistake.

A few years ago I went to go see U2 in concert and the only seats we could get were behind the stage.

That’s when I discovered that Bono uses a...

a...

...a

I can’t even say it.

Ok, Bono uses a...

...teleprompter.

OMG.

Say it isn’t so.

The man who wrote “MLK”, the song I sing to my kids every night before they go to bed uses a teleprompter?

The man who wrote “She’s A Mystery To Me”, the greatest song of all-time, reads the words off a monitor?

The man who wrote “With or Without You”, the song that makes me cry more than Marley and Me, can’t remember those words?

You have got to be kiddi....

What’s that?   They all use a teleprompter?

OMG x 50.

And let me guess, there is no Hanukkah Harry either?

Call me naive, crazy, whatever you want -- but watching Bono watching a monitor broke my heart.

Now here I am, as the lead-singer in a band, a backyard garage band with a bunch of guys who make noise sound pretty good.

Not a whole lot of risk there.

And I’m pulling a Linus, using every security blanket possible.

I have a music stand in front of me, with a three-ring binder that has the words to all NINE of the songs we know.

Plus the three we don’t.

Meanwhile, on any given night Bruce has like 300 of his own songs to choose from.

And dozens of others he likes to cover.

And I actually thought he remembered ALL of the words on his own.

Now who should be the anxious one?

Monday’s Set List

Should I Stay or Should I Go, The Clash

Blitzkrieg Bop, The Ramones

Island in the Sun, Weezer

Pork and Beans, Weezer

Stray Cat Strut, Stray Cats

Someday Someway, Marshall Crenshaw

I Fought The Law, Bobby Fuller

Somethin’ Else, Eddie Cochran

Rave On, Buddy Holly

All You Need Is Love

The jukebox in my head has this amazing shuffle feature.

Pick a day, any day, and I've got some random song buzzing through my skull.  

And usually it ends up with a full audio track for anyone within an ear-shot.

Yesterday, "The Way" by Fastball was center stage.

This morning, "Angels Wanna Wear My Red Shoes" by Elvis Costello was the choice du jour.

A couple of days ago I started singing "I Swear", the 90's classic by the group All-4-One.

Now when you are at home singing in the shower or kitchen or wherever and nobody is around it's really not an issue.  We all do it.

But now that I am back in the working world, I probably need to be a little more aware of when to hit that play switch.

A few days ago I was typing along on my computer at work and all of a sudden I just belted out the words "And I Swear".

Immediately, like it was on cue, my co-worker, easily 15 years my junior, added from across the room "by the moon and the stars in the sky."

And with that, All-4-Two was born.

It kind of reminded me of that Saturday Night Live skit where one guy in a bathroom stall starts humming Under the Boardwalk* and the next thing you know the guys in the other three or four stalls are tapping their feet and singing backup.

Unlike most of the songs that pop into my head, there actually was a good reason why "I Swear" made it onto my playlist.

You see, a few weeks ago, my daughter and I attended the wedding of one of my closest friends and the sister of his wife-to-be is married to one of the four singers from All-4-One.

At the wedding he treated us to a live solo version of the big hit as well as another love song that was perfect for the occasion.

After his performance (and I had a couple of drinks), I offered to sing backup on one of my favorite songs from that album, a great cover of the Motown classic "So Much In Love".

He politely turned me down saying that we needed four people for that song.

Whatever.

Well as great as it was to have our own private concert, that was only one of the highlights of the four-day affair.

Wedding, affair.  Bad choice of words.

But it was an amazing four-day show for two wonderful and genuine people who are truly, so much in love.

It was not a wedding for just the bride and groom, but it was a celebration for all of us lucky folk who were smart enough to attend.

I guess I can add this to the list of things I would not have been able to do if I was still a full-time employee.

Glass half full, right?

It was an honor to be asked to give the toast at their wedding and I made sure I had prepared a speech.

I spoke about my friend, who I view as a brother, an older brother, by 355 days.  

We went to college together, we lived together, we both went into the TV business, we both are sports fanatics...

My kids call him Uncle, even when he is not twisting their arm.

My only sibling is 14 years older than me, so I always dreamed of having a brother closer to my age.   I just had to wait until my teenage years to get one.

Actually, I got a bunch of them.

I am so very fortunate to have a core group of friends that I would do anything for and they would do anything for me.

You really get to appreciate your true friends when your life goes a little sour.

They are the ones who tell you to quit your whining when you bring up unemployment for the 40th time.

Back to the wedding.

Since we met at freshman orientation in 1984, my friend and I have shared it all.

We were sitting next to each other at Dodger Stadium in 1985 when Jack Clark crushed our World Series dreams.

We have spent several long and amazing nights seeing Bruce Springsteen in concert.

And he was one my first calls, in the middle of the night, when my father suddenly passed away in 2002.

During the speech, I spoke about how he has seen every side of me and I have seen every side of him, but I had never seen the side like the first time he described his new bride to me.

Or the second time. 

Or the tenth.

To see him, them, so much in love and so happy is so fantastic.

And to see the families of the bride and groom, who come from opposite sides of the world, come together as one was really incredible.

Despite what you are reading, I'm really not the emotional sapp that I sound like.

I have always found the cynical side or bad tasting joke in everything, but the way my life has changed in the last 18 months, everything now looks a little different.

Since becoming a stay-at-home dad, I have worked very hard to become a more patient person, especially with the kids.  

When I was working 60+ hours a week, my family was always on my priority list, but not nearly as high as they should've been.

I was always able to justify that in my head by saying... "I was doing my part for the family, providing them (material things) by working all those hours."

In reality, they were getting cheated.

The four days I spent with my 13-year old daughter at the wedding may very well be one of the last times that she and I get that quantity and quality of one-to-one time.

And it was one of the highlights of my life.

At NO point did I raise my voice. 

At NO point did we argue. 

At NO point was either of us unhappy.  

At NO point did anything else in the world matter.

To see my friend the happiest I have ever seen him was a real treat.

But I'm the one who got the gift.

I swear.

*-P.S.  I originally wrote the SNL skit featured the song My Girl, but I was corrected by a loyal reader of the blog.   The correct song was Under the Boardwalk.   The reader who corrected me was my friend, who is featured in this entry.    I smell a full circle.