Weekend Warrior

Saturday has quickly become my least favorite day of the week.

Of course, when I working, the weekend used to be the best time – a time to catch up on the busy week and just enjoy the precious time with my wife and kids.

Now, as a member of the unemployed, Saturday is a time to re-live the misery of the previous five days as we analyze my wounds.

It usually starts first thing in the morning, with my wife going over a checklist of how the week went.

Update on the kids. Check.

Update on her work. Check.

Maybe a chat about a movie or something in the news. Check.

But the whole time, I hear a clock ticking in my head, like I am watching 60 Minutes.

Then, as it always does, BOOM -- a bold, underlined, italicized reminder that I am unemployed.

Let me make one point very clear, my wife has been the most supportive person during this miserable episode – constantly giving me a positive face and positive reminders of what we have.

I know she means well and genuinely understands that I got screwed.

Well, WE got screwed.

But no matter the circumstances of my demise, the message is, we need to push forward.

I try to remind myself of that every time our Saturday morning pep talk ends.

But even with all the positive support, every time she gives me more feedback on what I should be doing, it makes me feel like a failure.

“Did you call this person?”

“Did you follow-up with that person?”

“What do you think about ________?”

I don’t consider myself an insecure person, but each time I hear those questions, I feel like I am on the witness stand.

Believe me, I know how lucky I am to have somebody in my life asking me those questions --- every week. It will really be sad the Saturday that those questions stop.

Of course, even with my genuine appreciation for what she has to say, the bottom line is it just makes me feel bad.

I must be living on Denial Avenue, but I truly believe I have done everything I can to find a new job.

I have made the calls.

And followed up with the emails.

AND reached out to people.

Again and again AND again.

Today’s reminder was timing is everything. You want to be on their mind when the opening comes up and sending a “checking in” email can do that.

She also said, you don’t want to stalk them.

Fine line there.

I’ve been on the other side, when the “checking in” emails are in your inbox, not outbox, and she is right about one thing, timing is everything.

I have hired persistent people, who won’t take no for an answer.

I have also refused to hire people, who won’t take no for an answer.

As for my situation, I really don’t know what more I can do.

Knowing that “something is going to work out” is really not something I can buy into anymore.

Do I believe something is going to work out? Yes, I really do.

Am I tired of hearing that something is going to work out? YES!

What’s really sad here is that the one person who has been the most supportive is the person who has the most invested in this and I am not embracing it.

Saturday is usually a day for partying, but I just wish it wasn’t a pity party.

The Pep Talk

Throughout my time as a member of the unemployed, I have had a very good support system.

Between my wife, children, mom and a handful of very close friends, not too many days have gone by without a pep talk.

I think I’ve heard every cliche in the pep talk handbook, from “just be patient” to “it’s not your fault, the economy is bad” to “nobody hires during December.”

“Something good is going to happen.”

I’m not sure where I can re-fill my prescription for a bottle of faith, but for the most part all the pep talks must be working.

I’m still standing, right?

Well, this morning I woke up to the extended re-mix version of the pep talk.

“This is going to be our year.”

Ok, where do I sign?

For 45 minutes my loving wife reminded me that I am good at what I do, reminded me that I have a wife and three children who love me and most of all reminded me that I was still unemployed.

Of course the last part wasn’t her intention, but as anybody who goes through a breakup knows, it doesn’t take a whole lot to remind you of your ex.

For the most part, I think I’ve been doing ok -- somedays are definitely better than others.

There is SO much about my time at home that I have truly enjoyed, but when I take the time to think what has really happened, it definitely makes me sad.

No other way about it.

The good days are really good. Time for myself. Time for the family. Time to enjoy life.

The bad days, thankfully, have not been too bad. Don’t get me wrong, there have been some terrible moments in the last year, but very few terrible days.

I think of those bad times as a functional depression.

I am able to get to the gym every morning. I’m still motivated to search for a job, but all it takes is that one hint of what used to be and life feels empty.

I could be watching Phineas & Ferb on the Disney Channel, laughing with my kids, but when that one voice comes on that reminds me of somebody I used to work with, the show is no longer a comedy.

Perhaps the worst part of this miserable roller coaster ride are the high points.

Like the three different conversations this week I had a possible lead on a job -- but just like the dozens of others before it, they just disappeared.

Giving up is not really an option, nor is it a consideration.

I’m in for the long haul, ready to fight the good fight and any other cliches that apply.

“Hang in there. Keep your chin up.”