Clear, Present Danger

This year my wife decided that she wanted a Weedwacker from Costco as her Mother’s Day present.

And who am I to argue.

Any dummy can get that done and I definitely qualify.

So I made the trip over to the grown up version of Disneyland.

I immediately put something in my shopping cart, as I always do, and headed back to the free samples.

Note to you Costco rookies:  As long as you have something in your cart, it doesn’t look like you are just there for the free food.

Of course, the eleven empty wrappers inside my cart, next to the package of 72 rolls of toilet paper may have told a different story.

Hey, can you blame me?

Within minutes, I hit all of the food groups -- taquitos, egg rolls, chicken cutlets, cheese and crackers, sourdough bread and coconut pie.

It’s the best meal plan since college.  Buy an annual $100 membership and eat a free meal everyday.

Just make sure you wear a different mask every time so the vendors don’t recognize you.

Anywhoo...

Once the snackin was done, it was time to buy the Weedwacker.

They had two, so I asked the guy, who I think worked there, for his opinion and he said definitely buy the cheaper one.

So I passed on the $329 Weedwacker and I bought the $279 one.

Now it’s been a while since I wacked any weeds, so that seemed a little high to me, but when the wife says, “I want a Weedwacker from Costco for Mother’s Day”, there’s no need to ask questions.

That’s the easiest present shopping I’ve ever done.

But something didn’t smell right and it wasn’t the coconut pie.

On the way home, I stopped at the bank (to make sure we could cover a $279 + tax Weedwacker) and I asked my friend who works there if that price sounded right to him.

He took a look at my purchase and said that my wife probably wouldn’t be able to lift the instrument, no less use it.

“Return it and go buy a $100 one at Home Depot.”

I guess that’s why he works at a bank.

And that’s exactly what I did.

I went back to Costco, returned the present, grabbed a few more samples, and then headed across the street to buy the cheaper one.

That’s the good news.

The bad news is that the new one needed some “easy assembly.”

Did I mention that I am Jewish?

Let’s just say there was plenty of assembly and none of it was easy.

Why is it that the directions always come in five or six languages and none of them say, “hey stupid, just do this.”

Within a few minutes there were more pieces on the ground than an M&M factory after an earthquake.

It might’ve been all the spare parts or it could’ve been all the screaming, but my wife quickly realized that it wasn’t a Weedwacker she wanted after all.

She put all the pieces back in the box, returned to Home Depot and traded it in for a $33 Cordless Grass Shrubber.

She got exactly what she wanted.

How easy was that?

Oy Vey, It's Mother's Day

They must’ve been having a sale on Mother’s Day, because this year I got two for the price of one.

I told my wife that I was going to take the kids to visit my mom at her assisted living home early in the day so that we could be home for a nice family dinner.

Instead of that plan, my wife said that I should invite my mom over to have dinner with us.

“It’s the right thing to do,” she said.

And who I am to argue.

For those of you Sir Bacon long-timers, my mom is doing much better, thanks for asking.

It took a while, a LONG while, but I think/hope the docs have finally found the right recipe to end THIS manic episode and get her back on track.

For now.

At times she is still changing gears faster than a trucker heading down a hill.

For example, on the ride home today, she told me that the chef at her facility used to be a cook for a high ranking military official.

Then the next sentence -- literally, the NEXT sentence -- was, “I knew David Letterman was messing around with that girl.”

No comma.   No transition.   Barely a pause.

Fortunately I was wearing a seat belt at the time, so nobody was hurt.

As we approach the end of this most-recent swing of moods, I can once again find some humor in all of this crazynesss, but the truth is, it’s still very sad.

But the good news is she was well enough to receive and accept the invitation to our house, not necessarily in that order.

She hadn’t seen her grandchildren in several months and that was by far the highlight of the day for me.

I think my two older kids realize that something is a little left of right with their grandmother, but the six-year old only knows that Bubbie is in the house.

And thank goodness for that.

My wife decided to go all out for this meal.

The theme was... Passover.

Yes, that Passover.

With our crazy schedule, she was not able to prepare a Passover Seder during the actual holiday this year, so my Korean wife picked today to celebrate our exodus from Egypt.

Well, my exodus from Egypt.

And you won’t hear me complaining.

Brisket.  Potato Kugel.  Matzah.  Charoset*.

*-If you’ve never tried this, do it now.  You won’t regret it.  Apples, Walnuts.   To die fohr.

(I've never tried this actual recipe, but check out the ingredients.  How bad could it be.   http://www.jewishrecipes.org/jewish-foods/charoset.html.)

Growing up, we had a lot of Jewish meals in my house.  

Every Friday night, plus holidays and pretty much any occasion to pile in about 3,000 calories in one sitting.

Many of the meals ended with my dad throwing Challah Bread at me, but that’s for another blog.

My Italian-Catholic born Mother, who converted to Judaism, learned to cook all of the foods that have kept our people happy for 3,000 years.

5,000 years?  Even better.

Despite the subtle, and at-times not so subtle hints of my late father, I decided to marry outside of the faith.

I don’t know if cooking an authentic Jewish meal was one of his concerns, but my wife has got that covered.

Her chicken soup with matzo balls is the best I've ever had.

Even better than my moms.

And that’s saying something.

Happy Mother's Day.

It was for me.